Are Girls Meaner than Boys

Are Girls Meaner than Boys?
No. But they have their own ways of hurting others

Miranda Oropeza spotted the girls right away. One was an old friend. Miranda didn't know the other girl, Lauren Hermes, as well. But they were laughing and talking, so Miranda decided to join them. She said hello, and the girls stopped and stared. "Do you hear something?" said Lauren. "I think I hear a toilet flushing. Ooh, the toilet's stinky today!" The girls turned away.

That was in the sixth grade. In high school, Miranda and Lauren were assigned to sit next to each other in biology class. Lauren felt terrible. "By then, I didn't want to be mean anymore," she says. "But I kept thinking, 'Oh, no, she probably still hates me!'"

Today, Miranda and Lauren are best friends. The high school seniors work with GENaustin, a group in Austin, Texas, that helps fifth- through eighth-grade girls deal with problems with friends and family. Lauren and Miranda share their story as an example of how cruel girls can be.

The Truth About Girls

Until recently, psychologists who studied aggression among schoolchildren focused on physical bullying. Most of the research indicated that girls were less aggressive than boys. In the early 1990s, a team of researchers studying the behavior of 11- and 12-year-olds found that girls were just as aggressive, although in a different way. Instead of fighting with their fists, girls lashed out with words and body language.

"The fact is that both girls and boys can be very mean," Susan Wellman told TFK kid reporter Amanda Lanzillo. Wellman is the head of the Ophelia Project, an organization based in Erie, Pennsylvania, that teaches kids to treat one another with respect.

Fifth-grader Ed Wiggins takes part in an Ophelia Project program in Portland, Oregon. He says harsh words hurt more than punches because "you remember words for a long time."

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Rosalind Wiseman, cofounder of the Empower program and author of a new book, Queen Bees & Wannabes, has studied girl behavior for years. She describes certain girls as "queen bees." They acquire a cruel kind of popularity by excluding some while showering favor on others. She calls another set of girls "wannabes." Such girls want to be popular and are afraid to stand up to the queen bees. They become part of the problem. "Everybody loves power, and girls want to be in the thick of it," says Wiseman. "For most kids, loyalty is seen as agreeing with someone in power."

Wellman observes that there is a "good popular and a bad popular." She advises kids to forget the bad popular crowd and find a few good friends who will stick up for you. "If you have one good friend," she says, "you are popular."

GENaustin, the Ophelia Project and Empower are among the ambitious new groups that are helping girls—and boys—build better friendships. The groups share a common goal: teaching kids to deal with hurtful words and body language like back turning, eye rolling and rumor spreading. One of the keys is teaching girls to express angry feelings in more direct and honest ways.

That's one of the lessons Miranda Oropeza and Lauren Hermes are passing along to fifth- and sixth-graders at Mathews Elementary School in Austin. Just last week, two girls who had been hurting each others' feelings were finally able to talk it out. "When I see that," says Miranda, "it means so much."

Deal with It!

Kids at school got you down? Follow these tips—for both girls and boys—from Rosalind Wiseman, cofounder of the Empower Program and author of Queen Bees & Wannabes.

Keep in mind that almost all kids have trouble with friendships at some time.
Realize that it's okay to get mad. Talk to a teacher or guidance counselor about how to express your anger calmly.
If you're being teased: Think before you act! Write down what you want to say to the person teasing you. Practice in front of a mirror or a parent. Then talk to the person one-on-one.

• Describe exactly what you didn't like about what he or she said.
• Request what you want from the person. For example, an apology.
• Affirm the relationship. Say something like, "I didn't like your behavior, but I still want to be friends." Or "We may not be friends, but we need to be able to walk down the hallway together."

If you're not invited to a party: Don't just sit there—do something fun with a friend or a parent. This way, you'll see it's not such a big deal after all.

If your best friend starts to ignore you: Write down the top three things you look for in a friend. Then write down three recent experiences you've had with this person. Compare the lists. If they don't match up, ask yourself why you're putting up with such a bad friend.

By Kathryn R. Hoffman
http://www.timeforkids.com/TFK/magazines/story/0,6277,233883,00.html