Dear Diary...

Just to catch up - it's been a rough month - I'm amazed at people's opinion about my relationships.

We all learn and grow every day - my biggest concern has always been my boys - they are completely well adjusted and happy and thriving - their Dad has been in their lives in a productive but small way over the years - I've tried to remarry - move on - like any other single mom I've tried to create a healthy example for my kids always, that's why I realized early on that we are better off on our own right now and work on our friendship if nothing else with their father who's admittedly made mistakes but adores us. People do need time to grow up sometimes. I have faith that we're heading in the right direction. I'm really not interested in bringing any other men into our lives.

I have plenty of friends and acquaintances who struggle with much worse and have really seen how I've done a good job by sheltering my kids and kept them out of the craziness - it's my most important job, its spending most my time with them and growing up myself in a bizarre existence...full of strangers who judge.

I understand how things may look - but we are all just the tip of the iceberg - no one could possibly know the really struggles or issues we've dealt with day to day honestly all our work is under the water.

So we do the best we can…

I just lost my 17 yr old golden retriever today 'STAR'... I'm at a turning point in my life - it's been over a month of carrying him to the grass and holding him up to walk and pee and have some dignity... He has been with me since his birth...as long as I've been in LA. Today is one of the hardest days I've experienced...it shines a light on the 17 yrs in LA and the good the bad and the ugly - I've grown a thick skin - I've lost myself over the years- but I'm back on track - I'm reading - I'm back to what makes me happy - growing and learning - being around and working with great artists - being inspired and realizing how short life can be and how simple it can be and we all are delicate and have meaning and feelings.

I'm so happy I'm building in Canada - it'll be wonderful to have both lives here and there...I'm building a great compound and a marina - it's a very sexy development I'm creating with the Courtnalls' (hockey players) in LADYSMITH, BC.

1 more TV show I think maybe 3 more years on the beach with my new puppy JO-JO...I can't say no to the guys from Baywatch - they are great to my kids- my schedule is built around theirs -just a few days a week - I'm close to home - I love the idea - flamingo kid meets Baywatch - show is called MALIBU. I've come full circle - back to the beach.

We are so blessed. I'm dedicating my life even more now to animal rights and the welfare of children and the environment. I feel I have my strength back - my health is back on track.

Pamela Anderson