Thoughts for the day

Don't say you're not important,
It simply isn't true,
The fact that you were born,
Is proof, God has a plan for you.
The path may seem unclear right now,
But one day you will see,
That all that came before,
Was truly meant to be,
God wrote the book that is Life,
That's all you need to know.
Each day that you are living,
Was written long ago.
God only writes best sellers,
So be proud of who you are,
Your character is important,
In this book, you are the 'Star'.

Santa banta Jokes

Santa Banta Jokes

Banta was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK,Banta how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Banta and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Banta! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Banta's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Banta that he thinks Banta's knowing Cruise was just lucky."No, no, just name anyone else," Banta says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Banta says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Banta on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Banta, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting,but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Banta, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Banta."My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Banta and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Banta says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. "Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Banta emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Banta returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Banta asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who's that on the balcony with Banta?"

Waiting

Waiting

Its 7:15am and I stand here in the bus stop waiting for the office bus to arrive. I stand here in the same spot as I did a few years back waiting for my college bus. Little did I know then that things would change so much in 1 year; the tree under which I was standing seemed to be looking at me and smiling, perhaps the only living thing that stands as a testimony there, watching the transformation of a loud and bubbly person into a quiet professional. I wouldn't blame the professionalism for the change though. It is destiny, or may be you could call it life. Yes Life, esoteric in the true sense, for one does not understand why you meet hundreds of people everyday, work with so many, and still remain lonely.

I am now in one of the corner seats in the bus, looking out of the window watching people trying to catch up with "life"! It's an hour's journey and the only company that I generally have is the chatter of the RJ. I seldom notice the person sitting next to me, for its going to be yet another stranger or may be you could say another acquaintance. It is annoying at times when the radio is switched off, not because I am cut off from the melody (?) but because I would now be thrust with the thought of the solitary travel ahead. I can't help thinking about the short bus journeys to college, well it's a paradox to call a distance of 40 kms "short", but that is how it always seemed. A typical college day always begins in the bus with all the familiar faces; you look forward for all your friends to get in from the various stops, the reasonless giggles, the loud laughter that were stifled to avert the eyes of the lecturers and professors who would watch on us as if we were their prospective prey for the day, well as I said it was a different life then.

The pleasant memories of college are in itself good enough to save me from the misery of the bus journey. I notice that it is time for me to get down and flash my smile of acknowledgement to all the known strangers that I see as I walk towards my cubicle. A few of my project mates greet me with their morning wishes and as always, we exchange our pleasantries. Discussions jump to the weekend plans and I wonder what I'd do over the weekend. It would be just another day staring at the mobile, wishing it would ring and bring back some wonderful moments that are now missing in life or maybe the safer option would be to come to office, for it's my new founded asylum these days. A few years back, weekends or weekdays didn't matter to me, I was always busy. I always stood doubting the authenticity of the wall clock that seemed to be in running too fast to perceive its movement. Alas, now it seems as though my clock is suffering from some kind of paralytic attack.

There is a time in life, where one needs to go ahead, leave behind all your friends and carry along only memories. You do make friends, but then you never get back the same old close ones, you do meet people who'd be so good to you that you could tell them anything and everything, but you'd not find a person, to whom you needn't say things, friends who just know you. Occasional calls from such friends, has been the only thing that I seem to look forward to, but I cant help but notice the uneasy pause that lingers around the conversation, pause not because of the relationship, but because it is too short a duration to say everything, and of course you cannot completely rule out the paucity of words!

As I sip coffee from the ubiquitous coffee mugs, watching the drops of rain, trickling down the tinted glass panes, veiling the scenic beauty outside, I tell myself, may be there'd be a day when things change, when life offers a rewind, a recap of all the events, and I'd just have to wait.

Capricious are the ways of life, for I know there would be many who'd be able to empathize with me, ironically, even the dear ones that I miss this moment, waiting perhaps.

10 Commandments Of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are
thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife
treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..

Building Friendships from Casual Friends

Building Friendships from Casual Friends
Friends and Friendship

Self-Disclosure builds friendships.

Self-disclosure is usually the first step in establishing a confidant. And it is scary because of the potential rejection factor. Do it anyway! Start by sharing a few private thoughts and/or feelings with one person you might want for a close friend. If the person is responsive, he/she will usually share a personal thought or two with you.

If he/she is not responsive to your overtures, don't think of this as a rejection.People may be non-responsive for reasons of their own or merely as a perception of yours. Nevertheless, they can't be rejecting you because they don't even know you yet.

Listening and acknowledging builds friendships.

Often when your child, lover/partner, or friend tells you a story or voices a complaint, he/she is just asking for acknowledgment. This does not mean that he/she wants agreement or compliance; it merely indicates a desire to be heard and understood.

Try these three steps to acknowledgment:

1. Repeat back.
2. Don't invalidate.
3. Don't try to change.
4. Don't problem solve.

Many conflicts in your personal relationships can be avoided if you will take the time to acknowledge other's feelings and points of view.

Listening and attending builds friendships.

Paying attention to someone is called "attending." It means that your ears, your eyes, your body and your feelings are all focused on that person at one time. Attending is a very important part of any relationship. It includes:

1. Being there physically
2. Focusing
3. Eye contact
Looking at and focusing on another person shows that you are "there for him/her." For more information on attending, click here.

Talking Is a Primary Building Block of Friendships.

Talking is an integral component of friendship. When a friend talks and reveals ideas or feelings, he/she is expecting shared information in return. When the talk is not equal, the person talking feels as if the listener is uninterested.

In fact, the person who is always the listener is really playing the role of a counselor, not a friend. Anytime you have been talking for more than a minute or two without participation from the person you are talking to, you are lecturing, bossing, or putting that person in the role of a counselor.

Loyalty, Equality, and Respect build friendship.

Friends are equal. Without equality, you can't have a close friendship. Friends are loyal and trustworthy. No one can confide in someone they can not trust to be loyal and to keep his/her secrets. Friends have similar values. Our value system is so important to us that our friends' values must be close to our own or we will not have respect for this friend.

Reflections on Friendship

Reflections on Friendship by David and Faye Wetherow

	Children need to be present with other children.
	Children need to be in a place that allows time for them to connect.
	It helps to have a 'bridge-builder' on the scene. The school playground allows time for children to connect, but in the absence of conscious bridge-building, an isolated child can remain isolated for a very long time.
	Introductions help. We have the power to introduce children in ways that define them as 'alike' or as 'other'. Shared interests and gifts make children alike. Defining children by their disabilities makes them 'other', so it helps to focus on shared interests and gifts and let disability fade into the background.
	One of the important ways in which children might be alike is that they share a passionate interest. It also helps when we have the time to identify, mobilize and celebrate gifts and contributions. 'Community exposure' isn't enough.
	Even when a child is present, there are places that are more or less conducive to connection. Places that are primarily based on consumption or competition are not particularly fruitful.
	Competition can quickly define us as 'other', so it makes sense to look for places where cooperation is the hallmark.

First, there are times when we need to be more consciously 'on purpose' about expressing the invitation – times when the quick-acting 'rules of attraction' or the recognition of shared identity is slowed down by the presence of a disability.

Second, it may take more-than-one-of-us to make and keep the promise, especially when we're challenged by time and space and other responsibilities. One of the beautiful things about Judith's Circle is that it includes a natural way of renewing itself. When Doris and Alan moved out of town, the people who remained in the circle were in a position to invite new partners.

	We sense (or promise) that our relationship will endure, that we'll be there through thick and thin, mistakes and misunderstandings, even times when we're unattractive, disagreeable, or out of sorts.
	We recognize, mobilize and celebrate each others' gifts. We look for places where our friend's gifts might blossom and we build bridges to those places.
	We see the essential beauty in each other, and we celebrate that.
	We carry dreams for each other and encourage each others' dreams.
	We share our time, our worldly goods, and our 'standing' in the community. We share the things that delight us (I lose a lot of books that way).
	We connect each other with trusted (trustworthy) people.
	We're watchful – we look out for each other's well being and best interests.
	Sometimes we offer direction. Our First Nations friends in British Columbia have four different words for the idea of 'encouragement', and one of those words means pointing out when someone is on a path that might be harmful.

	Because the ordinary balance of time and energy may be stretched by the presence of disability, we may have to think in terms of inviting and supporting an intentional 'circle' of companionship. But the ways of doing this are familiar – literally 'of the family'.
	Because mutuality might be harder to see at the outset (it's likely to start out as a mystery), we will need to be more conscious and self-reflective. Once again, the ways of doing this are nothing 'special' (see Key Circle Questions).
	Because it is tender work, we need to move in a way that allows people to feel safe, loved, loving and very gently engaged. Friendship is a discovery, not a requirement, and it helps to remember the value of small beginnings. At the outset, we're not asking for a lifetime commitment: “Murray, you know that Amber is interested in peace-making. Could you come for coffee and help us think about how she might get connected with the Monday night group?”

Source: http://www.communityworks.info/articles/friendship.htm

Reflections on Friendship

What steps can we take to invite and support real friendships for our sons and daughters who live with disabilities? We sometimes see other children moving along in a sea of friendship, and we see our children struggling with isolation. The natural ebb and flow of play, enjoyment and affection may seem out of reach, and we worry about the possibility of a life-long pattern of separateness. What can we do?

To begin, I'm not sure that I know anything about 'making' friends. The older I get, the more I think that we discover each other. Then if we're lucky, pay attention, stay faithful, and don't mess up, we have a friend for life.

We hope that our children who live with disabilities will receive the blessings of friendship. As we seek that blessing, it may be useful to examine how the ordinary patterns of discovery and friendship work, and see if we can follow those patterns, but perhaps in a way that is more focused and intentional.

How did our most important friendships come into being? Where were we when we discovered each other? Among the dozens, hundreds, even thousands of people we've met in our lifetimes, how is it that some of us are still friends 'after all these years'?

Being There

At the simplest level, we were 'there' in the same place at the same time. If I'm not there – if I've been sent away for 'special' [you fill in the blanks] – friendship doesn't have much of a chance.

Now I was 'there' at a Janis Joplin concert at the Fillmore Auditorium in San Francisco in 1967 with about a thousand other people. We were close-packed. It was, after all, the Summer of Love. We were young, feeling groovy, and we loved the same music. But nobody from that concert is in my life today. In fact, nobody from that concert was in my life the next morning. We can spend a lifetime going from one 'activity' to another and still be alone the next day (and for the rest of our lives), or we can try another tack.

If we think about it, we see that one basic condition for the development of friendship (love-at-first-sight being a wonderful possible exception) is that we keep going back to the same place over time.

But just going back may not be enough. Twenty years after that night at the Fillmore, I was attending a large church in Winnipeg. The church was packed for four services every Sunday. But one could go back for a month (or a year) of Sundays and still not find friendship, because the ordinary pattern of the service didn't really lend itself to making connections. You had to make connections around the 'edges' of the service.

The edges are always there: times when we're arriving and departing, waiting for the first notes to sound from the organ, coffee after the service. But if you are shy or don't know how to 'make time' in those brief moments, you still might miss the boat.

In 1993, a fellow named Fred conducted a little survey inside this big congregation. Fred made an interesting discovery: there were seventy-six small associations within the church, each focused on something different. Coffee might be just a brief moment for the people who made their way downstairs after the service, but the people who made the coffee were pretty solidly connected to each other. They were a bit 'political', so we drank 'fair trade' coffee.

As the coffee-makers gathered every Sunday, they talked. They got to know each other well. They appreciated each others' contributions, gifts and interests: Mary makes wonderful lemon cookies. Frank just found a new connection for 'fair trade' tea. Mark and Jess discovered that they both love sailing.

While we were making coffee (or doing any of the things that focused the other seventy-five small associations), we had a chance to discover each other. We shared time, space, conversation, and most importantly, we shared a common interest. This is even more powerful when the interest is passionate. When we share a passionate interest, we begin to feel that we share an identity.

In our community, the people who were working to save the Englishman River Estuary came from all walks of life. They represented a wide range of ages, incomes and backgrounds, but they all shared a passion for this beautiful place. As they worked together on something they felt passionate about, many of them discovered new friendships across those 'natural' boundaries.

Passionate interests don't have to be big deals, but it helps if they're about more than 'consuming' something. Making music brings people closer together than listening to music. Listening to music (especially if we keep going back and the place is small enough) brings people closer than merely buying (or these days, downloading) music.

So what does this have to do with our children?

Understanding where and how adult friendships flourish tells us that there are some things we can do to make friendship more likely for a child with disabilities:

Robert Fulghum, [Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten], suggested a civilized reengineering of the game of [Musical Chairs]. In this version, the object is not to exclude people, but to find ways to include them, even when there are no chairs left. People do remarkable and often quite pleasant things to find room on their laps for one another. He has seen groups find seats for everyone even when there are no chairs left — they support one another in the air, like a suspension bridge. He once watched the entire student body of a college make room for one another in their human latticework.

-- The Masters Forum

Following Natural Opportunities for Connection

If we think back and remember where we met our best friends, we see that many of those friendships emerged in the context of doing something interesting together over time. We went to school together. We worked in the same company. We were members of the Naturalists' Society. We sang together in a summer stock production of Annie Get Your Gun.

We may begin with one shared interest and discover others. The last time we were in Tennessee I said to Jake, who is becoming a good friend, “You know that if we lived in the same town, we'd be getting into trouble together.” What I mean is that I'd be connecting with more of the elements of Jake's life (he's a BMW motorcycle rider), and he with mine (I'm a sometimes-sailor).

Repeating the connection makes a difference. When Peter moved out to BC, I introduced him to my old friend, John. As I look back, I remember that I kept creating occasions for the three of us to get together, and we've done so for years. Peter and John are good friends now, and their friendship has a life that is independent of me.

The depth and quality of the introduction makes a big difference. We don't just introduce our friend to another person, we share our enjoyment; we give a good account; we announce the ways in which we think they might connect.

'Numbers' have something to do with this: Most of us have met thousands of people in our lives, but only a handful of them have become good friends. We need to create many opportunities for connection.

The Promise

Once we discover each other, we still need to pay attention, deepen the invitation, and be good to each other. Friendship is a gift, but once we open the gift, we need to be 'on purpose' if friendship is to endure.

The highest form of friendship is something that might be called a 'covenant relationship' (my friend Don talks about the fact that good friends make 'unreasonable commitments' to each other). When we marry, when a child is born or when we adopt a child, we make a promise. And we see that there is often an unspoken promise at the heart of a deep friendship. Wendell Berry reminds us in Standing by Words:

As the traditional marriage ceremony insists, not everything we stay to find out will make us happy. The faith, rather, is that by staying, and only by staying we will learn something of the truth, that the truth is good to know, and that it is always both different and larger than we thought. We must accept the duration and effort, even the struggle, of formal commitment. We must come prepared to stay.

As we make the journey with our children and our friends who live with disabilities, we seek that promise, and we hope to find it extending beyond the boundaries of the family.

The Circle of Friends

Almost two decades ago our friend Judith Snow described what seemed to be a new form of a promised relationship – the Circle of Friends. Judith tells us that hers was not the first circle. She says that people have been building circles for thousands of years. But Judith's 'Joshua Committee' – the group of committed friends who helped her get out of a nursing home and begin a new life, and who have been with her for twenty years – may have been one of the first where overcoming the challenges associated with disability played such an important role.

Judith says, “I think that what I have isn't a disability. If I 'have' anything, it is an invitation.” She says that what we call a disability is a powerful invitation to be more intimate, more cooperative, more inventive, and to make new kinds of promises.

Judith's Circle (you can find books about this at http://www.inclusion.com) has become a model for the development of circles all over the world. There are others: Mennonite Central Committee's pattern for Supportive Care in the Congregation, the Personal Support Networks described in Al Etmanski's book, A Good Life, and the Canadian First Nations tradition of caregiving societies. Each of these examples reminds us about a couple of important things:

Amber can't talk, and when she's excited about something her body moves in a way that is easy to interpret as distress. So we need to be 'on purpose' about introducing her and inviting people to experience who she is 'underneath' her disability – interpreting her expressions and movements, and revealing her interests and gifts.

The Pattern of Friendship

We know that friendship goes far beyond simple attraction and 'hanging out'. It's far more complex. A couple of years ago, Faye began speaking about something she calls 'the Family Pattern'. Originally we intended this to describe what a family (ideally) offers to each of its members and especially to its children. But the Family Pattern could also be a picture of what good friends can offer each other, and what circles of friends might offer to our sons and daughters who live with disabilities.

Ordinary Ways and Tender Work

In Bob Perske's words, 'I have the will to believe' that all of the qualities, experiences, and blessings of friendship can be available to our children and our friends with disabilities. But because we are working to overcome the distance associated with disability and the fact that the ordinary 'rules of attraction' may not be immediately in play, we know that we will have to be 'on purpose' about this. The good news is that all of the 'ways' are the known ways of friendship, family and community. They're not disability-specific or special, but they are more intentional.

The good news is that to find friendship, we don't need a 'program'. All of this is within the reach of families and friends. As Wendell Berry reminds us in Home Economics:

We hear again the voices out of our cultural tradition telling us that to have community people don't need a 'community center' or 'recreational facilities' or any of the rest of the paraphernalia of 'community improvement' that is always for sale. Instead, they need to love each other, trust each other, and help each other. That is hard. All of us know that no community is going to do these things easily or perfectly, and yet we know there is more hope in that difficulty and imperfection than in all the neat instructions for getting big and getting rich that have come out of the universities and agribusiness corporations in the past fifty years.

© 2003 David and Faye Wetherow ! CommunityWorks

This article was first published on the Apraxia-Kids website, and is reproduced here with their kind permission.

how perfect is too perfect?

how perfect is too perfect?

Have made startling discovery: Am just too perfect.

Alright, so is not exactly as it sounds but v. interesting insight into Fishy workings. Am the sort of gal that mothers (though perhaps not the UMF) describe as lovely. Or, as E-Friend, C so kindly points out, am... precious. Perhaps too precious. What? Was not aware that there was a Preciousness Scale and that somehow, yours truly is sitting at far end with likes of Shirley Temple, lap dogs and Royal Dalton porcelain.

C: Maybe you're just too precious and pedestal.
H: What?
C: You need to learn to like beer. And maybe pick your nose or something. Start drinking tequila shots...with the lemon and salt. Any chance to legitimately lick yourself is good. And any drink with juice and vodka is a no-no.
H: Just because I don't drink beer does not make me high maintenance! Though, the whole getting ready ritual certainly qualifies, but let's not bring that up. How about Bacardi Ice? Out of the bottle? Doesn't that count for something?
C: That's almost as bad.
H: Damn. But! But! I curse like a sailor... I love red meat... I know stuff about cars!
C: That does count for something.

Count for something? Hmmmm. As was v. curious as to precious status among the male population, did v. brazen thing and asked both J and S. How precious is too precious, and is yours truly really on the extreme end?

H: Am I annoyingly girly? I mean, too prim?
J: You drink, smoke (funny cigarettes), talk dirty and hook up. That's not prim.
H: Ok, so now I sound like a classless whore. That's SO much better.

So far, research efforts NOT yielding pleasing results. S, though at times comes off as the only man God forgot to give a soul, turned out to have deeper thoughts on said issue.

H: Am I too clean... too girly?
S: Um, you can be. I guess so. This feels like a trap.
H: Come on. We've always been brutal with each other. Why change now?
S: True. Ok, so I used to think you were high maintenance. Now I'm not sure if I was just crazy or what.
H: That sounds about right.
S: Shut it. I think you can come off that way sometimes. You know, the Princess Thing.
H: My friend says I need to start doing tequila shots and picking my nose.
S: Well, you're not what I would call a "man's woman," if that's what you mean.
H: Meaning? Are you saying I'm a lipstick lesbian?
S: I wish. No. What I mean is, there's a certain group of girls that I call "men's women." They do guy stuff. They just go out and hang. They watch porn and drink beer (or tequila shots, if you will). They watch football. They don't wear makeup.
H: I watch football! One of out five can't be too bad. Is this where I mention I can load a gun?
S: Fine. Anyway, these women are in a unique position to seduce men... often they become their "friends" first and then WHAM!
H: I see.
S: So you might give off a different first impression even though, in the end, you can do all this stuff. You'll just have to find a guy who can tolerate your non-beer-drinking ways.
H: It's all my other "ways" that are the selling points, believe me. What kind of prim and proper girl talks dirty? Hmmm?
S: (laughing) That is so true. What kind of girl comes over to S's house to try out his new sex swing?
H: You don't really have one. Don't tease me! (laughing) Uh, I mean, I don't know that girl.
S: See... nothin' too clean about you.

And there, from the Boy-With-No-Soul was an honest break down. Sure, this fish may look like she's not up for any nail chipping activities, but her presence on the Preciousness Scale is certainly deceptive. Am still the gal worthy to go home and meet the mother, but am also the kind to play dirty with the boys. As long as there will be beer alternatives.

Source :http://thisfish.ivillage.com/

What Is Friendship?

What Is Friendship?

Friendship is an in-depth, relaxed relationship!

Friends relate.

It is an in-depth relationship combining trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, empathy, and intimacy. These are certainly aspects of life that all of us crave. Being able to trust and relax with your friend is a big part of friendship.

Remember when you were young and went with a friend to her grandma's for the week-end. It was fun but when you got home, home was wonderful. Your feeling was "I'm home. I can relax now." That's what a friendship should be. You go out into the world and do your best. You have your ups and downs, your problems and triumphs, your fun and tribulations. You charm and you perform.Then you come "home" to a friend. You can relax, put up your feet; you are relieved. If you still have to be charming and/or performing, it's not a relief.

Friendship is a comfy situation like home. You get home, kick off your shoes, relax and sigh, "Ahh, home." But no one can form a friendship until he/she realizes that the basis of being friends is meeting the needs of the other person. One must be a friend to have one.

Never forget that friends relate. Relating is the basis of friendship.

Casual relationship

Casual relationship
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A casual relationship (sometimes referred to as friends with benefits, cut friend, a fling, or fuck buddies) is a term used to describe the physical and emotional relationship between two unmarried people who have a sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting a more formal relationship as a goal.

A casual relationship may be part time, or for a limited time, and may be monogamous or otherwise, and the term encompasses strong enduring friendships between people who enjoy each others closeness but do not seek marriage for some reason, through to relationships purely entered into for sexual purposes. In each case, the relationship's dominance in the lives of those involved, is being voluntarily limited, and there is usually a sense that the relationship is intended to endure only so long as circumstances make possible and both parties wish it to.

Motives for casual relationships vary, and should be distinguished from casual sex in which no relationship is intended. Many casual relationships also include mutual support, affection and enjoyment, which underpin other forms of loving relationship. Some casual relationships eventually do become long-term relationships in the course of time; equally, others were never intended to.

The intent of a casual relationship can vary: sometimes to relieve sexual frustrations through an alternative to masturbation, and other times simply as a friendship or part-time relationship which includes sexual activity when wished. Some people prefer the term "Lovers without commitment". Usually a casual relationship is not intended as a romantic relationship. It is also not the same as 'casual sex'.

In many cases, both parties are free to date and engage in sex acts with other persons, however some people choose to have exclusive casual relationships. These types of relationships effectively give the people involved an outlet for their sexual urges without the potential stress and time-demands of a committed relationship. Two people may elect to become friends with benefits because they are unwilling to commit to a full-fledged relationship or long term relationship for whatever reason.

Popularized in recent years by the US sitcom Sex and the City, this sort of relationship is commonly portrayed as a relatively new phenomenon, but it is not clear as to whether this "newness" applied to the term "friends with benefits" was actually predated by similar yet more secretive arrangements and phrases. These relationships are associated with younger people (early teenagers), and are often seen as a way to enjoy the benefits of sexual activities without the emotional strings of a romantic relationship.

According to many teens, these relationships have been going on for some time, and it is estimated that at least 32% of people over 13 have had such an experience. While providing a sexual outlet for some people, the practice is still socially associated with negative connotations. In teenage relationships, the predominant activity is not traditional intercourse sex, but rather oral sex. Many teenagers believe that this reduces the risks associated with sexual promiscuity such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Some medical authorities such as Bonnie Halpern-Felsher, a professor of pediatrics at the University of California at San Francisco, suggests that teenagers do not view oral sex as "real sex" and use it to remain in a state of technical virginity. [1]

This arrangement is particularly common among young professionals, who put a lot of their free time into their work and therefore don't have time for a "proper" boyfriend or girlfriend. Some argue that it also allows people who have excellent sexual chemistry to enjoy each other, even if they don't click on other levels.

The phrase "friends with benefits" was popularized in the mid-1990s by the Alanis Morissette song "Head Over Feet."

Criticisms

Some people prefer the term "Lovers Without Commitment", as it espouses the view the lovemaking is more than a mere benefit of the relationship.

Others believe that casual relationships of this sort are unrealistic because strong emotions will inevitably come into play. Naturally this belief is typically not shared by those who participate in such relationships. It is generally acknowledged, however, that a frequent cause for the termination of such relationships is the development of a one-sided romantic attachment.

It is claimed by some that it is the male who is most often harmed in this kind of relationship. Being a "friend with benefits" is sometimes an option given to the male in a steady relationship after being broken up with. Many times people who love each other will choose this route because current circumstances prohibit a steady relationship. This kind of situation often leads to strengthened bonds and stable relationships after those circumstances pass. Relationships that have sprouted from "friends with benefits" relationships are most of the time more sexually open and stable in their foundations.

The term "friend with benefits" is often misused. A situation similar to the example used above. "Friend with benefits" has been used in a way that would be better described as an "emotional friend with benefits." An example would be a romance that has lost its spark, both parties want the relationship to work, but it cannot. There is no desire even though they both want there to be, so they decide to wait for the spark, together and apart.

Some people think that these sort of relationships are commonly male-dominated and oriented, with the female existing mostly as a sex-object for the male's gratification. However it seems that the female is often the one who initiates the relationship in the first place. This calls into question whether the females are using sex to gain the illusion of affection, avoid loneliness, or perhaps as a stress release. This theory also fails to take into account that many bisexual or lesbian women will participate in these sorts of relationships with each other; hence, these relationships can happen with no male participation at all. Many women also say that they enjoy casual sex just like men, not having to "mean" anything more about it. Probably, traditional cultural or religious values for women and men also come in as factors here.